What makes a good mother?
In the wild, motherhood is a harsh reality of life. Correction must happen swiftly and decidedly, or death might ensue. A quick hoof to the head or a bite on the back seems harsh in today’s world of protective parenting.
According to this article, even plants perform acts of motherhood by storing select seeds until conditions are right. While the seed is stored in the parent, it experiences hardships like drought and learns how to survive.
All mother’s learn adaptation and survival in unique ways that create their own style of mothering.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the differences between my mothering methods and my mom’s. Modern mothers have the luxury of wanting, demanding that our mothering be perfect. Babies should be nourished, and their every need met. They should be protected by every advanced means possible. Being the Nature Child that I am, two things I was adamant about as a new mother was that no drugs would be administered during delivery and that my babies would be breastfed. They would receive the best possible nourishment possible that mother nature has provided.
I was a helicopter parent. Still am.
When anything threatens my cubs, I tend to want to swoop down, blades a-whir, and take the threat away.
But now I’m figuring out that this is not the best way. Rescuing kids does not build them into resilient adults.
I was the youngest of four children growing up. My mother, who grew up in a large, rural Arkansas family, lived a practical life that required hard work to make ends meet. My father was a career military man and around the time the fourth child came along (me), was finally earning a decent living. They boldly accepted overseas assignments and traveled the world with us kids in tow.
When nursing my firstborn at my mom’s house, she divulged that I was the only one of her brood who was not breastfed. I didn’t ask her why not, but this information bothered me. Why would all the other kids receive the benefit of mother nature’s finest nourishment and the bonding love of nursing, but not me? Was it because nursing had gone out of fashion? Was I not as cherished as the others? Was I not wanted?
I dismissed those thoughts at the time, but, since my mother’s passing, I have been thinking about it again.
What does make a good mother? Is it the mother that does everything selflessly for the benefit of the child?
My father had received his orders to go to Germany while mom was pregnant with me. He had to leave, and she was to follow as soon as the doctor gave her the okay to travel after my birth.
Even though she was a young woman from rural Arkansas, she had at this point, already traveled with daddy’s Air Force career taking them to Africa (my brother was born in Tripoli) and on the US east coast (one sister was born in Maryland). But this time she had to travel without my dad and with four children in tow, one a newborn. She was 28 when I was born. I can imagine her wondering how she was going to traverse the airports and make it to Europe with a 10-year-old, 4-year-old, 2-year-old, and me, the swaddled newborn.
It was the 1960’s. She didn’t have nice strollers or car seats to keep her babies safe. She had to rely on hand-holding as they trudged through the airport and could only let out a sigh of relief as she looked upon all four little heads safely in their airline seats.
It was a hot August when she left the US for Germany. She didn’t have the internet that would tell her the temperature when she arrived. She had to have herself and her cubs prepared for any weather. What if any of the flights were delayed? What if there was trouble? She didn’t have a cell phone to immediately get in touch with my dad and let him know.
I can see her dressed immaculately in a suit that she made, her makeup on, hair coiffed, and heels. My sisters would be wearing lovely smocked dresses and my brother, a collared shirt and slacks also made by her. They would all have decent, if not a bit worn, shoes and they would all be curious and excited, but well behaved lest they got a hoof to the head! (she didn’t actually hit us, but a sharp rebuke from her had the same effect on us!) She would make sure the family arrived at each destination safely and that everyone’s needs were met.
So why didn’t I get the benefit of breast-feeding? Maybe because of trends and doctor recommendations of the time?
Or maybe it was because it just wasn’t practical under the circumstances. Maybe she didn’t have the emotional capacity to give the care required to the older children while meeting the demands of a nursing infant. Maybe she was just exhausted.
I can’t know her reasons, but what I can know is that she made the best decision for me. There’s no such thing as a perfect mother, but every mother is perfect for their child. Mothering is hard and wonderful and messy. Mother’s make tough decisions every day that people can easily question, but whether people agree with those decisions now or in the future, we can know that the mother is making the right decision for her and her child in that moment.
What makes a good mother? I always thought it was selflessness, but now I see that the mother who takes care of her own needs is then restored and capable of taking care of her children’s needs. A mother who is drained has nothing to give. A mother who makes a decision that keeps herself mentally safe even if it seems to others not to be not the best decision, is a good mother. Even if it means not breast-feeding. Even if it means giving up her child. Mother’s run on instinct and sometimes instinct seems cruel.
Don’t second guess your mother’s good decisions or your own. They were made with love and the best intentions and were the right thing at the time.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you brave, beautiful, and perfectly imperfect moms!
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