I can hear Cher’s voice warbling those words. 

That song is stuck in my head today, as I look at my skin and chastise myself for not wearing sunscreen in my youth. 

How could I be so stupid?

I was an agronomy major working for the University Agricultural Experimental Lab. Grad students set up test plots. Plot A has xyz chemical on it, Plot B is left to fend for itself, and Plot C is cleared of weeds using manual labor.

I was the manual labor. 

At 18 years old standing out in the hot sun all day hoeing rows of squash was my dream job. I dressed scantily to make sure I was toasted to a glorious golden tan each day.  I was the envy of every girl in the disco with my blonde Farrah Fawcett hair, twirling skirt around my lace-up gladiator sandals and long tanned legs. 

But one day I came in from the fields feeling sick. 

I wore a tiny halter top and my hair in a ponytail.  The sun mercilessly beat down on my neck and shoulders as I hunched over each test plot hacking away at obnoxious weeds.  A spot on my upper shoulders felt intensely burned and I was sick to my stomach.  On my lunch break, I talked to my grad student supervisors.

“You should probably use sunscreen while you are out there.”

“You mean suntan lotion?  I suppose I could smear on some Coppertone, but it would just make the dirt stick to my greasy skin.

“No, sunscreen.  I just read about how it protects your skin from burning.”

That didn’t sound like a good idea.  How would I maintain my status as queen of the golden tan if I didn’t get sunburned?

“Really Dina.  You need to be protecting your skin.  I’ve read studies about the sun causing skin cancer.  You shouldn’t let your skin get burned like that.”

Skin cancer?  I thought cancer was caused by smoking cigarettes and I only smoke while clubbing so that shouldn’t be a problem (insert editorial eye-roll). 

Back in the field I still felt this annoying strange burn on my shoulders.  Eventually, common sense kicked in and I threw on an old t-shirt over my halter top.  Maybe they were right.

So I went back to the lab.

“Maybe I should try this sunscreen.  Where do I get it?”

“It’s pretty new and I think the only one who would have it is Estee Lauder.  You’ll have to get that at the makeup counter.”

Makeup counter. I didn’t know about makeup counters. I can’t even picture a 1978 makeup counter.

“Try Collier Drugstore.  They probably carry Estee Lauder.”

I drove to Collier Drugstore.  The girl I talked to at the perfume and jewelry counter had never heard of Estee Lauder or sunscreen.

I didn’t drive to the mall to find the Estee Lauder counter. I didn’t have any idea notion of where I would get such a product.  Our small rural mall had a Sears and a JCPenney.  Did they even have makeup counters? 

Cue the song,  “If I could turn back time”. 

I wish I could just conjure up the picture of a makeup counter from that time.  We didn’t carry the equivalent of a 35 mm camera in our back pockets.  There were no selfies. 

What would be in the makeup counter of my youth?  Would it just be perfume?  Was there Estee Lauder and Lancome?  I wish I could pull up the details that would give me a snapshot of everything behind the counter. 

Be gentle on yourself

I don’t want to turn back time so I can correct my mistakes.

My mistakes are the architecture of my life. I am willing to live with the consequences of my actions.

However, I’d like to stop beating myself up about those actions and decisions.

I want to turn back time to understand my actions with compassion.

I believe there are clues in those mundane pictures of life that would make us understand the perfectly good reasons why we made the decisions we did.  Understanding of why we did things allows us to forgive our actions. Instead we hold on to the guilt and bringing it out of the closet to beat ourselves up. 

I want a snapshot of the things that I didn’t see back then.  I wasn’t looking for makeup counters so there are none in my memory.  I want a birds-eye view of my situation back then so I can say, I “I understand why you made that choice under these circumstances”, and move on. 

Whether its skin cancer or back or knee pain, or any other physical ailment, let’s not pile emotional pain and guilt on top to our physical suffering and let’s get on with the work of healing.

What do you wish you had a picture of from “back in the day”? 

I don’t mean the obvious Kodak Moment pictures like the first time you looked into your baby’s eyes.  I’m talking about the mundane, everyday things that you didn’t pay attention to back then. 

Because, I think, it is in these pictures of everyday life that we can find the answers to “How could I have been so stupid?” and be gentler on ourselves for seemingly bad decisions. 

Our bodies and our souls will never heal as long as we continue to tell ourselves the story that we made the wrong choice. Go ahead and turn back time. 

Practice seeing what you don’t see.

Take a new snapshot that explains it all and allow yourself the compassion to help shed your chronic pain.